Although each year a turkey orsometimes even two , arepardonedby the president , another about 50 million are consumed each Thanksgiving across this rightfully bless land . While the act of vegetarians hasincreasedin the United States in late years , evena third of these admitto scarfing down hunks of animal flesh after a few drinks . And considering Thanksgiving is one of the drunkest of American vacation , come Turkey Day , liquor will be quaff , ( for some ) honourable posture hold to the roadside , as rank tons of smoldering piles of turkey are run through by theliteral sauceboat load .
But why traditionally cook a dud using tried and true culinary methods when you’re able to just as easily risk biography , tree branch , and homestead to torch your feast to perfection with a jet railway locomotive ? What could be more American than put the land up touches on yourFlamin ’ Hot Cheetosturkey formula with a blowtorch ? Absolutely nothing . totally rhetorical .
In the supersized realm of the complimentary , bigger and badder is always good . Besides , if the early American settler taught us anything it was most certainly a lesson or two about overkill . So sit back , unbend , female chest out the bibs and ranch and enjoy the most completely unnecessary ways to systematically metamorphose a turkey into carbon this Thanksgiving .
Just roast it with your Lambo
at last , a cooking method fit for aBig Tymer . If you have a candy - paint Lamborghini , you take any and every opportunity to swank it . Even if this means conspicuously and inefficiently using exhaust system blowback to prepare your Thanksgiving feast . Since you ’re already on the face of it just burning money , might as well punt a Butterball in the poop - of - a - million - dollar dumpster fervor .
Can yourMercury Topazdo that ? Nah .
Torch it to death with this thing
If there is one thing we love more than a glazed hunk of torchedcancer - meat , it ’s fiend hand truck things — making this a even twofer . What is that abomination you postulate ? Oh , that is theFlash Fire Jet Truckwith a “ fire - respire 12,000 horsepower super C engine ” slap on the back for full - result . but advert your preferential bagged Butterball somewhere , anywhere behind this brute and dinner is all but served .
Let ’s present it , this turkey was born for the lone intention of being viciously defeatheredwith a shop vac , dumb roasted in carbon emissions , and then transcend into its next life through our bowels .
Maybe a bunch of flashlights?
The real - earth lightsaberFlashTorch flashlightis powerful enough to ignitecombustible materialson contact lens and even electrocute an eggs . We had the opportunity to test one these bad boys in the office and , believe it or not , it ’s just as terrifying in person . seemingly , some humans have attempted to cook a Meleagris gallopavo with a jury - rigged apparatus of said terrifying flashlight . Using this method , will the flesh putrefy before it ever is thoroughly cooked ? Yes . Do you risk a in high spirits probability of foodborne illness using this approach ? Also , yes . The choice is yours .
Texas Turkey: Cook it in a trash can
Seeing as The Lone Star State hasled the nationin Thanksgiving Day grease- and preparation - related insurance policy claims for seven years work , it ’s really no surprise this proud Texan take up the cooking to outdoors just to be safe . While there are high quality and slightlymore illuminating step - by - steptrashcan turkey tutorials online , none hold a cd to the pure cinematic gold seen above . As noted by our all right host , think of to have your welding gloves handy because that trash can is “ mucho caliente . ” That ’s Spanish for “ a lot of red-hot , ” specifically .
Hell, may just lob it at the sun
A few years back , some industrious somebody atNASAcame up with a few clever ways to fix up a Republic of Turkey with some of the most sophisticated gadget the space authority had lying around . This range from using a streamlet of the grind satellite dish and someKaptonto even stow a turkey on a solar probe .
Perhaps when the agency launches theParker Solar Probenext summertime , the federal agency will consider bringing a turkey in tow . consider the additionalweightshould only cost$150,000to set up into the creation , this seems reasonable enough . Theprobewill orbit just4 million milesfrom thesunand experience temperatures up to2,500degrees Fahrenheit — more than enough to get those 13 herbs and spices up to temp .
Besides , what could be a more appropriate testimonial for our species than a jettisoned double - baked , antibiotic - resistant , gentically modified turkeydrifting through interstellar place destined to burn up up in an exotic aura as a shot wizard ? Absolutely nothing .
Thanks given indeed .
